Too much on her mind

was rummaging thru' the blogdom and came across Ithilwyn's blog; has a passion to write, very organised writings and touching too! Oh and by the way she is the featured blogger on blogdrive lately :)

Here is her latest post {wrote my heart out in much better way than I could have}

Too much on my mind.

Okay, I need to vent a bit. Or something. Maybe it won't really be venting, but I need to express myself here in order to organize my thoughts.First of all, there is a scene in this one movie I like, Center Stage, where one of the ballet instructors tells a rebellious young student that when things get tough, she needs to come back "here" (placing her hand on the practice bar). That practice room was a place of safety, of serenity. That's what journalling is for me. It's like my home base. When things don't go well, or even when things do, this is where I end up.Writing has always been so essential to me. I've kept a journal since I was ten! Over the years, I've learned to express in my writing what I am unable to get out in any other way. It is the outlet for all the things I want to say but can't. It's also my catharsis. I don't express my emotions often...at least I don't think so. I keep things bottled up, and while those who know me well can tell when I'm upset about something, I don't broadcast it to the world or even talk through things with the people who do notice. Instead, I come here, or to my paper journal, and I write about it. This is how I deal with my feelings, whatever they are. Here I can process through things and deal with them without having to worry about offending anyone (typically, though it has been known to happen) or getting any really weird advice or even good advice that I'm just not ready for.Maybe it's not such a good thing, this internalization of everything. It makes me seem strong without really being strong. It makes it difficult to really open up to people and be honest with them about how I feel. It makes me avoid confrontation. There are so many times that I feel hurt or angry, and I just let it pass. Typically, I just get over the feeling, move on and forget about it. The benefit of this whole process is that I can move on and not hold any resentment or regret. It makes me wonder if it's really all that bad--to be able to let go of the petty things and work past them without upsetting anyone but myself. (I guess I should insert here that I do know how to deal with confrontation when necessary, when it's a really big issue. I'm just always concerned about rocking the boat if it's something that is just me, just something I need to deal with and surrender.) Writing is always my prefered way of dealing with anything, whether it's simply working it out in my journal, or writing a note or email to someone. I can say things in writing to a person that I'm just not comfortable saying in person. Granted, a lot of what I write does not come anywhere near this kind of depth, but the only way I can get to that depth and feel comfortable sharing that way is to build and develop this method of communication over time.I know that I need to work on being able to actually talk things through with people. I know that it will eventually be necessary to formulate words, to be able to speak what I'm thinking. But for now, the best way to really get to know me is to read me. This is me. It's at least the way that I see myself, and I can't be more honest than sharing with you the image I have of me.